You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in


Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.


Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.


The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause