You don't know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.

*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust

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