You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Oops I deleted….
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.