@AngelaEhh

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

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@gitson_shiggles

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

@spaceboyriley

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

@iAmDelFreaky

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@DarthSteveus

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Brenton_Rodgers

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause