@AngelaEhh

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

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@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

@QwertyJones3

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

@13spencer

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

@Sally5977

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.