You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Banana is the quietest snack
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors