You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig鈥檚 List?! You鈥檙e telling me I don鈥檛 have to do the laundry AND I鈥檓 making money?!
I鈥檝e been doing life all wrong.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don鈥檛 have to
My my husband鈥檚 favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that鈥檚 actually in my hand.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I鈥檓 headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I鈥檓 tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I鈥檓 so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.