You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Brother?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”