You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high