You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

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[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!


The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!


If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.


Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…


Him: I have to tell you something. I see-

Me: You’re seeing someone else?!

Him: -dead people

Me: Wow, so you’re cheating on me and you’re a necrophiliac. Real nice, Greg.


Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.


My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.


How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists