@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

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@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@MelKassel

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@chopper4jk

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

@lilgapeach32

Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: I have to tell you something. I see-

Me: You’re seeing someone else?!

Him: -dead people

Me: Wow, so you’re cheating on me and you’re a necrophiliac. Real nice, Greg.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists