You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me too, bag. Me too….
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?