me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.
*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When one door closes, another one opens.
Other than that it’s a pretty good car.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us