You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
guys I’m going home
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.