You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.