Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.
I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.
I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]