@samalmightysam

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@2tickytacky

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

@juliareinstein

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage