You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My love language is hissing.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.