@wolfpupy

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

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@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@TommyKarate

I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.

@TheHyyyype

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

@ItsAndyRyan

Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe

@Billhenry16

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

@wolfpupy

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

@House_Feminist

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

@PlainTravis

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”