you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.