Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Ladies, if he’s:
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”