You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You Might Also Like
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Well, this explains it:
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.