You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Twitter fine art
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*Seductively hides in the woods
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.