@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

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@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@carlyken

How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

@BerrymoreBlue

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”