You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*



*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.


um, fish


The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day


People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.


How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire


Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.


Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”