You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Every time.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon