You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I finally found a reason to live again.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My dog ate my work from home.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign