You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

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My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.



Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist


You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.


*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country


COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao


Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow