[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Not all heroes wear capes.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”