You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.