You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
every. time.
The prophecy is fulfilled