waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.