I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door