@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

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@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@CallousBalzac

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

@Staggfilms

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

@SteveSuckington

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here