You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.


what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti


My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.


ME: I got you a therapy cat


ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach


Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.


*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot

*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid


[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*


[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.


Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here