You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: