OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here