@AlexRogaski

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@QwertyJones3

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

@jngraphs

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:10:”tracy_marq”;s:5:”image”;s:59:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1959113727/cb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:17:”82926390600663040″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”281″;s:5:”tweet”;s:78:”If my dad were alive today he would say, “Tracy stop telling people I’m dead”.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@TraylorParker

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.