you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.