You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.