You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.