her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.