The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED