You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!


Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.


What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?


A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me


iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me