@FadeAway2

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

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@thenoahkinsey

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

@sherlock_er

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Skoog

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me