You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.