You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
You are what you delete.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY