You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

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I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.


“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.


In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.


My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.


The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.


[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots


WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools


I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.


All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.