@SteveSuckington

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

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@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@ceejoyner

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

@ehdannyboy

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

@Cheeseboy22

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

@notmythirdrodeo

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@rickolantern

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@KattsDogma

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.