@captainkalvis

you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me

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@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@markedly

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@jonnysun

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v?e?n?g?e?a?n?c?e?
grapes

@Bollingmargaret

3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Me: “OOOHHH…Moana!”

@markleggett

I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory