I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.