You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
crazy
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
The point of your 20s
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts