You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

You Might Also Like


Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?


All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.


Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.


Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!


My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.


OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.