@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

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@nerdamage

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

@Desert_Musings

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

@OctopusCaveman

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@Tw1tter_K1tten

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

@ceejoyner

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.