You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks