@cal_gif

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

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@Wordesse

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

@Mikel_Jollett

PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.

@Swoosh61

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth

[later]

dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that

@upidaisy

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

@theroyaltramp

I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.