you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.



Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.


PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.


Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine


[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much


Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.


dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth


dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that


woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk


I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.


I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.