@Aimiekins

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

You Might Also Like

@daddydoubts

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@PAPPADEMAS

shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@PetrickSara

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@bossy_bootz

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

@Izianikapani

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

@GrantTanaka

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn