You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Hey Fugeddaboutit
no their not
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.