You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.


[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.


shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed


Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit


If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.


As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it


Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.


– inventor of popcorn