you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
yeah not falling for this one
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?