you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

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HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely


Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.


When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.


All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…


Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries


I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.


Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.