@ily_pineapple

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

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@briangaar

HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely

@TommyKarate

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.

@KentWGraham

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

@TheBoydP

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

@House_Feminist

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.