@ily_pineapple

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

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@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

@ddsmidt

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

@amhw

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

@MGigger

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@capnwatsisname

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car