You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The three genders.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups