You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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me before I type out affect or effect
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats