You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
You are not alone 💚
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???