Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
So you’re all Obama fans now? Name 3 of his albums.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour