@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

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@sugarwits

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

@NonCombosMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

@djdarrellripley

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

@Laser_Cat

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*