You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The struggle is real
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me