Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
You Might Also Like
how to exercise your calf muscles
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.