canadian assassins are called killergrams
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.