Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
anyone else like Italian cereal
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
TODAY
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Siri: Retweet me.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.