You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
(more comics:
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*