@Storminika

You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

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@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@jordan_stratton

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

@abbycohenwl

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

@CourtneyBale

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

@hippieswordfish

robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer

nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.