Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
No chill.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.