GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?