You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Risking my life for fun.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.