@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

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@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@ComedicBust

All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.

@iwearaonesie

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@LuvPug

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

@Tmoney68

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?