You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.


If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.


Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.


All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.


coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?


HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no


If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.


I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.


*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?