You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’