You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.